my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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