So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
