Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
