broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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