i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
