drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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