Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
