Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
