we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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