Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
