I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
