I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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