I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
