"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
