my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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