Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
