the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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