Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
