I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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