Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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