I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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