fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
