I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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