just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
