Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
