guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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