Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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