Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
