Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize