look no pants
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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