if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
