i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Randomize
