my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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