final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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