if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
