i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just found puke in my bra..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
