I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
