two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
