Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
