I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
