I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
