Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
