Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
