the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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