i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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