I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
