I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
