Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
