also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
