In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
