I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
