Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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