Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
