She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
