i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
