I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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