before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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