We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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