Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Are my feet made of real feet?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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