Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
