I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
