I want to have your abortion
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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