I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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