Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
