my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
