if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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