I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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