why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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